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We know love...how do we show respect?

My husband and I just started small groups at our church and we were all challenged to read Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' "Love and Respect." I wasn't sure how my spouse would respond to the task of reading this study with me, but to my surprise, he has flown by me by five chapters. He has truly loved reading this book and is taking all of the book's recommendations to heart. Me on the other hand, have been a little stuck on the first few chapter due to my heavy convictions Dr. Eggerich had shown me in black and white.

It is true that women understand the meaning of love and we expect our spouse to know the meaning as well, but in the familiar readings "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" it is clear we don't see eye to eye. I was so surprised to find that as in our desire to feel loved, men have a strong desire to feel respected. Too, men don't understand our need or desire to be loved, and I just discovered that women, me included, do not understand their need as well. Being the researcher I am, I had to examine respect just a little more clearly to understand and grasp how my husband sought to be respected.

According to Webster, respect means to acknowledge someone with value. This means in our everyday communications. Well, I thought about the meaning of respect and I visualized a typical stressful day in our house. Imagine...you are cooking dinner while your children are running around laughing and playing. In an instant, they become hungry, tired and cranky. Your spouse comes home right when you are defusing a fight that exploded between the siblings. The pot of soup you have been working on for the last hour is boiling over and you begin to smell the bread burning in the oven. Once you got everyone quiet, you head back into the kitchen and nearly trip over your spouses shoes in the middle of the floor he left on his way to his chair. What are you feeling right now???? Exactly.... Although we had good intentions, we mothers tend to scold our spouses like our children. "You didn't clean the kitchen right, you didn't put the dishes in the dishwasher, and why don't you pick up after yourself" are phrases we have all said one time or another. While we do not intend to be disrespectful, we can appear that way to our spouse in our contempt. Wow, is it really just now becoming clear? I totally see the disrespect I have shown to my spouse!

After becoming overwhelmed with guilt, I prayed and asked forgiveness and read the scripture Ephesians 5:33, which Paul writes "Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Thanks to Marriage Missions International, I discovered ways to show love to our spouse while revealing the heart of Christ. Here are some awesome ways, 100 ways to be exact.

To do list, lol! Just ask your spouse to check the ones that are the most meaningful to him and then rearrange them in order of importance to "Him." You can use this list as a basis for learning his views. Nobody, including Paul, did not say that this was going to be easy, and I am a long way from being an expert, but my love for my spouse has made me want meet his needs he has silently cried out for sometime...respect! Pray that God will soften your heart, hold your tongue and guide you on this spiritual journey in your marriage.

1. Respectfully communicate with him.
2. Let him know he’s important to you.
3. Purposefully try to understand his feelings—even when you disagree with him.
4. Show interest in his friends giving him some time with them if they’re trust-worthy.
5. Let go of the small stuff. We all have annoying habits and preferences that are different from our spouse’s. (Dave Ramsey)
6. Tell him you both love him AND like him.
7. Either show interest in his hobbies or allow him space to participate freely. (Dave Ramsey)
8. Protect his dignity on a daily basis.
9. Be tender with him realizing he has feelings also.
10. Foster an atmosphere of laughter in your home. Look for ways to laugh together.
11. Try not to make sudden major changes without discussion and giving him time to adjust.
12. When you go out on a date together don’t bring up problems—have fun instead.
13. Focus on what he’s doing right, instead of focusing so often on the negatives.
14. Show interest in what he feels is important in life.
15. Give him special time with you apart from the children.
16. Recognize that the first few minutes after a spouse comes home often sets the stage for how the rest of the evening will go. So try to make the first few minutes a positive experience. (And then ease into the negative if it’s necessary.)
17. Give him half an hour to unwind after he gets home from work. Your evenings will be much more enjoyable. (Dave Ramsey)
18. Don’t allow any family member to treat him disrespectfully. Be the one to defend him to any family member that dishonors his place as your husband.
19. Compliment him often.
20. Be creative when you express your love, both in words and in actions.
21. Talk with him about having specific family goals for each year to work on to achieve together so you will both feel closer to each other as a marital team.
22. Don’t over commit yourself. Leave time for him.
23. Extend God’s grace to him and be forgiving when he offends you.
24. Find ways to show him you need him.
25. Give him time to be alone. (This energizes him to reconnect at other times.)
26. Admit your mistakes; don’t be afraid to be humble. Peel away your pride.
27. Defend him to those who disrespectfully talk about him. Remember that love protects (1 Corinthians 13:7).
28. Respect his desire to do well—not his performance.
29. Rub his feet or neck, or scratch his back after a hard day.
30. Take time for the two of you to sit and talk calmly (schedule it when necessary).
31. Initiate going out on romantic outings (when he’s not tired).
32. Email him when he’s at work, telling him how much you love him.
33. Surprise him with a fun gift of some kind that he’d really enjoy.
34. Express how much you appreciate him for working so hard to support the family.
35. Tell him how proud you are of him for who he is (giving him specific reasons).
36. Give advice in a loving way — not in a nagging or belittling way.
37. Help your husband to be the Spiritual head at home (without “lording” it over him).
38. Reserve some energy for him so you’re not so tired when he wants you sexually.
39. Don’t expect him to do projects beyond his natural capabilities.
40. Pray for him to enjoy God’s best in life.
41. Take special notice for what he has done for you and the family.
42. Brag about him to other people both in front of him and even when he’s not there.
43. Share your feelings with him at appropriate times (but keep it brief when he’s tired—sometimes men can feel “flooded” by too many words).
44. Tell him 3 things you specifically appreciate about him.
45. Honor him in front of the children (differ respectfully in private when necessary).
46. Give him time to unwind for a little while after he comes home from work. Arrange ahead of time to take your “time out”, giving him a few minutes with the children.
47. Get up with him, even when he gets up earlier than you want to and pray with him. (Hopefully you can go back to sleep afterwards. If not, it’s a sacrifice worth making.)
48. Be his “help-mate” in whatever ways you sense he needs it.
49. Do some shoulder-to-shoulder activities with him (like watching a movie or taking a drive together) without talking. Sometimes men just like to BE with you and not talk.
50. Be a student of his ways so you show your love in ways he best comprehends it.
51. When your husband is in a bad mood give him time to recover. Don’t crowd him.
52. Help him to finish his goals, hobbies, or education when your see he needs it.
53. Treat him as if God has stamped on his forehead: “Handle With Care.”
54. Work to get rid of habits that annoy him.
55. Be kind and thoughtful to his relatives. Don’t make him choose between you.
56. Don’t compare his relatives with yours in a negative way.
57. Thank him for things he’s done around the house. (It means a lot to men).
58. Don’t expect credit for all you do for him. Do it as “unto the Lord.”
59. Make sure he agrees with everything important that you’re planning to do.
60. Do little things for him— let him sleep in, bring him coffee and/or breakfast in bed, etc.
61. Don’t belittle his intelligence or be cynical in your words with him.
62. Initiate sex periodically. And respond more often.
63. Sometimes let him enjoy his day off work without having to “work” at home.
64. Get to the point in your discussions. Spare him details unless he wants them.
65. Discover his sexual needs.
66. Surprise him with a 15 second kiss when he gets home from work.
67. Wink at him from across the room when you’re out at a group function.
68. Give him the benefit of the doubt when he mis-speaks.
69. Don’t quarrel over words.
70. Be kind and courteous with him. (Don’t be kinder to strangers than to him.)
71. When things go wrong, instead of assessing blame, focus on how to do better.
72. As a kindness, don’t say, “I told you so.”
73. Try not to argue over money. Peacefully discuss future expenditures instead.
74. Take him out on dates—pre-planning all of the details ahead of time.
75. Hold his hand and snuggle up close to him at times both at home and in public.
76. Praise his good decisions; minimize the bad ones.
77. Tell him you love him more often.
78. Put love notes in his pockets and brief case.
79. Sit with him while he’s watching TV—even if the program doesn’t interest you.
80. Don’t expect him to read your mind. (Family’s are spared grief when a husband isn’t required to read their wife’s mind despite the fact that the wife thinks he should.)
81. Periodically, give him time with his family alone.
82. Check with him before you throw away his papers and stuff. (He may view them as more important than you realize.)
83. Work to keep yourself in shape in every way.
84. Let him express himself freely, without fear of being called stupid or illogical.
85. Carefully choose your words. Remember to “speak the truth in LOVE.”
86. Don’t criticize him in front of others—keeping his dignity in tact.
87. Visit his childhood home with him.
88. When you’re angry, express it in respectful ways. Don’t give the silent treatment.
89. Pray for him.
90. Make him homemade soup when he’s sick.
91. Look your best—dress to honor him and make him proud to be seen with you.
92. Support him when someone tries to put him down. Be his best cheer leader.
93. Don’t disagree with him in front of the children.
94. Take him for a weekend get-away without the children.
95. Cheer his successes whether in business or in other areas of everyday living.
96. Graciously teach him how to demonstrate his love for you.
97. Give him coupons to redeem—maybe for a back scratch or a shoulder rub.
98. Buy him a gift certificate to his favorite lunch spot and put it in his wallet.
99. Hide notes for him around the house where only he will find them.
100. Thank him for just being himself.

Elf Days- 12 Days of Elf

Several years ago, I created a FB group called "We love our Magic Elf," which generated over 200 members. The members consists of children and  families who have brought the magic of Christmas into their life with the help of Santa's elves. This group was created for fun to share our elf-ventures, posts, pictures and share our elf stories. This year I decided to go a step further and create an event inviting members and other families across the country to join "12 Days of Elf"integrating the traditional "12 Days of Christmas"theme into their elf tradition. Just a creative way to add a little excitement into their visit. For more information, visit us at "We Love Our Elf Magic" on Facebook.

Please come and join us and other families who have brought the magic of Christmas into their household with Santa's elves and join us for the "12 Days of Elf Event" at

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=172905322728495 .

Starbucks BOGO Starting today through November 21!

Starbucks BOGO From November 18 to 21, between 2 p.m. and 5 p.m, when you purchase one holiday beverage at a participating Starbucks, they'll give you a second one free!

Giving thanks through all our circumstances...

Bethany Hamilton, Soul Surfer

Everyday we wake up gives us an opportunity to be thankful!  Though during tough times, we tend to forget about the things God has given us and what to be thankful for. God gives us everything we are and have.  And God not only provides us with all we need, but oh, so much more.  The Bible says that we are to be thankful to God no matter what our circumstance. In reading 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, "Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." This verse is saying that God wants you to find something to be thankful about no matter what is going on in your life. 

Bethany Hamilton had a lifelong dream of becoming a professional surfer, but her dreams were interrupted on October 31, 2003. While Bethany and her best friend Alana were surfing off Kauai’s North Shore, she was attached by a 14-foot tiger shark. The attack left Bethany with a severed left arm passed out while waiting for help. After losing over 60% of her blood and pulling through many surgeries, Bethany recovered. Before the attack, she said that her parents prayed that God would use Bethany to glorify Him. Through her eagerness and determination, she decided to keep pursuing her dream as a surfer and in 2005 received her first national title in the NSSA National Championship. Through her struggles, she claims her faith in Jesus Christ helped her in her life and strives to be the best at whatever God calls her to do.

“What great things God is doing,” Hamilton says. “I am so thankful that I get to be a part of His plan! I thank Jesus Christ our Lord, who has given me strength, that He considered me faithful appointing me to His service.” (1 Timothy 1:12)

Wow, what an amazing testimony! In the month when we sit down to feast on Thanksgiving, let us give thanks to God for all He provides us in every circumstance. Let us remember what the Psalmist said: "Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good; his love endures forever."  Psalm 106:1 

Which way do I go?

In Robert Frost's poem, The Road Not Taken, he wrote "...Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by, and that had made all the difference." The question still remains for the reader...how did he know he chose the right path? After reading the poem several times, it doesn't really teach us about choice; it simply says that choice is inevitable, so you never know what your choice will mean until you have lived it.


We are all faced with many decisions, some harder than others, so how do we know we are making the right decisions? It's impossible for us to know what the future holds and there are no guarantees. As much as I have struggled with making decisions in my life, I am happy that I have had so  many choices offered to me. Yes, I've made some poor choices, but along with those choices came challenges and opportunities that I would not have experienced otherwise. Out of all those decisions presented, my family was recently faced with a difficult decision and a crossroad in our lives.


It has been nearly two years since my husband and I were forced to leave our home of six years due to job loss. We were faced with a difficult decision even then...where do we go from here? Do we stay near and keep searching for a job or do we turn our sights toward our family over 400 miles away? We had been praying for years to be closer to our family so our children could experience the family life we never knew. When the opportunity presented itself, we responded in our weakest moment, our breaking point (definitely not the type of situation we had hoped). We had a lot to think about, including leaving a place we had been established in for six years. We had made good friends, loved our church family, loved our son's school and made a life together, but down deep we knew we were lacking something...family.


I still remember that cool, windy day in March. Loading the last box onto the truck, saying goodbye to an empty house that was full of memories. We shed many tears that day, said goodbyes to close friends and watched the life we knew shrink smaller into the distance as we drove away. Although we knew we where we were going, it was terrifying thinking of starting over (literally). As we headed north to our destination, I'll never forget my son's excitement in knowing that he would finally get to be with his entire family. Through my tears, I smiled and  found comfort that God was leading us in the right direction, though hard as it was to move.


It was a tough first year, new schools, sharing a home with family, living in an unfamiliar area, and meeting new friends. Everyone was adjusting, except me. I had many nights when I would cry myself to sleep questioning God about how things turned out. How I longed for my friends, my church family, but I felt I had to be strong for my children and my husband. I was amazed to discover the comforting arms of my family wrapping themselves tightly around me and my fears at the perfect moment. A comfort I haven't experienced for some time. It wasn't until just a few weeks ago that I realized that God had given my family a blessing in this move and answered years of prayer.


My husband was offered a job to take us back down south...back to a life we left..where we belong, I thought. Wow, we were here again? This was truly the most difficult and most important decision we as a family had to make. Instead of my desires and wants, I had to consider the needs of my family and how this decision would impact the entire family. I have to admit, I was a bit excited a first returning to a life I have missed for two years. Somehow the thought of picking up where we left off was something I longed for some time. When it came down to really making the decision, we realized that God had already answered our prayer. Though it was a difficult decision, we felt so much comfort and joy to know that this was where we belong.


With all of this being said, I don't believe there are wrong or right choices. As the opportunities are presented to us in our lives, we will grow our spirits and in our priorities. During our decision making, the scripture of James 1:5,6 surfaced several times in front of me. It says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." I could also find comfort in 1 Peter 5:7 where we were told to "cast all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you." This includes anxiety about making the right decisions. In His scripture, God has promised repeatedly that He cares about our well-being, and He will certainly answer our prayer requests for help in making decisions about such things as jobs, colleges, careers, homes, churches, marriages, families, ministries, finances and whatever else demands our decisions, but He wants us to pray! Even though God knows all about us and the decisions we should make, he still wants us to communicate our thoughts and feelings to Him and our dependence upon Him for making these decisions.


So back to Frost's poem that leaves one guessing on how he chose the path...with prayer, God helps us decide which road to take. As in my choice, I had the unique opportunity to live this choice thanks to God's unveiling blessing.

The Mood Ring

This morning I headed to my bedroom to begin packing for a weekend trip to visit my husband and ran across an old mood ring. I remember the day I bought it. My sister and I were walking through one of our favorite shops and found a set of mood rings by the register. We looked at each other, smiled and immediately grabbed one to try on. We laughed while we childishly watched the colors change from blue to black and and yellow. We even tried to trick the ring to see if the result was correct. (For those who don't remember the mood ring, it was invented by Joshua Reynolds in the 70s and it's stone is made of a hollow quartz which contains 'thermotropic liquid shells' that respond to changes in temperature by twisting. Apparently, the twisting changes their molecular structure, which alters the color, so when the temperature of the liquid crystals change, so does the color.)


I tried on the old ring once again and stared to see what color it would reveal. I was surprised to see the stone turn a light blue, which if you look at the chart above, it reads 'calm, relaxed and lovable.' It obviously was wrong because I was far beyond calm. Hello! I just found out two days ago that I may have to move my family to another state! The appropriate color should appear more like BLACK (stressed)! As I watched the ring change to a deeper blue, I thought about how my children see my moods? What do they see? How do they feel? When I am stressed or anxious, do they notice the boiling red of my face while the steam is blowing out of my ears? Do they see the calming blue when I am lovable and patient? Do they see me share their excitement during my times of distraction?


When the day-to-day responsibilities pile up and become overwhelming, I don't think we realize as parents how much of our moods affect our children. This may surprise you, but as a wife and a mother, we set the tone for our household. For example, I am packing and feeling the pressure of what is to come and isn't it funny that during my crankiness that my children seem to show bad behavior? Coincidence or not, if I am stressed, anxious or running low on patience, any little issue with my children becomes huge. My frustration feeds the fire, but if I remain calm, patient and understanding, then even the most cranky behaviors are handled peacefully and wouldn't you know... we all feel better. But sometimes it doesn't always work that way. It seems so difficult to control our moods when we are living an emotional roller coaster, or any other issues we deal with daily. We need to remember though that whatever the problem we face, big or small, these are valid issues for us to deal with, but our children shouldn't have too. What's the trick? How do we control our emotions during the difficult times?


In Psalms 34:18 it says that, "The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in the spirit." Jesus expects us to bring our most daunting challenges before him frequently in prayer. The scripture tells us that the world may abandon us, but God is always there. He is as near as our next prayer. He promised that He would not leave us comfortless. When we are broken in spirit, He will life us up. Remember that even Jesus needed to pray fervently for God's strength as He faced his ambivalence about going to the cross. It is important to one, make time for daily devotions and two, to pray for God's help in responding to our moods as well as for greater consistency in our convictions and grace to make wise decisions in spite of our moods (and hold our tongue---ouch!) And for the needed courage to move beyond our confusion and take steps of faith. Wow...a reminder that God is in control and can be in control of our moods which, remember, sets the tone for our household.


Here are some scriptures to help us get through times of stress:

1. Changes in circumstances and daily routine: Psalm 46:1-3 "God is my refuse and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore will we not fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea; though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof."
2. Everyday stresses: Psalm 16:8,9 "I have set the Lord always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope."
3. Exhaustion: Psalm 23:1,2 "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; he leadeth me beside the still waters."
4. Physical problems: Psalm 24:9 "I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined until me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings."
5. Grief: Psalm 3:3 "But thou, O Lord, art a shield for me, my glory, and the lifter up of mine head."
6. Depression: Psalm 18:2 "The Lord is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust; my buckler, and the horn of my salvation, and my high tower."
7. When you need a moment of praise: Psalm 30:11, 12 "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth